Archive for April, 2006

Fenland Ramble…

The Floating Face April 13th, 2006

Exactly as forecast, the sky gradually clears as the sun sinks toward the horizon, revealing patches of fading blue. Between fields and along a bank runs a footpath, beside which crouches Fyse, camera in hand. A few hundred yards away stands a copse of skeletal trees. The setting sun lends the sky a delicate hue, dappled cloud gives an ethereal texture, and shadow highlights deep furrows scoring the surrounding fields; a subtle scene that Fyse singularly fails to capture.

Replacing his camera in his pocket, he breaks into a jog to rejoin his friends. They are stopped, clustered round the map and contemplating a fork in the path.

“I just can’t see this other track.”

“No. Perhaps we took a wrong turn before?”

Heads bow over crumpled map, fingers gesture vainly, and shadow highlights deep furrows scoring perplexed foreheads; a scene that Fyse once more records without great success. Receiving two very dirty looks he puts his camera away again.

He shoves his hands deep in his pockets and surveys the land with a sigh of contentment. Revision stress seems miles away, and there is something profoundly satisfying about walking for its own sake. In four years his forays to the lands surrounding Cambridge could be counted on one hand, but a friend’s car has brought three of them out for this vigorous early-evening constitutional. The perfect antidote to dim and dusty libraries, a reward for a hard day’s work and ideal preparation for more study before bed. At least, that’s the rationale.

Emerging eventually from his reverie, Fyse realises they still haven’t moved anywhere. It appears that the map and reality have differing opinions and confusion reigns. Ever the helpful fellow, Fyse lends a hand.

“Well, that must be the path we’re on just there.”

“That’s a contour line.”

“Look, why don’t you take some more photos? There’s a very interesting old plough over there.”

“Ooh, so there is!” Fyse toddles off down the bank.

OK, who searched for THAT?

Fyse April 9th, 2006

I obsessively check my site stats, and inevitably people find my humble abode in different ways. Many are friends from college or drama, and there are a few American bloggers who have formed the habit of popping in occasionally for no good reason. Then there are the search engine hits. It’s a bit of a blogging cliché to list them in a post but what the heck, they’re amusing. Here’s a few of the most recent…

  • human face pig
  • floating objects and odd things happening
  • he’s messing with your mind
  • who got through the dark materials auditions?
  • i know what you do backstage in your little coffins

The hit from that last one is explained by these two posts, but I don’t mind admitting someone actually searching for it scares me a little. Of course, it is now doubly certain that anyone in search of backstage activities in little coffins will be directed to my blog…

Hello. Please take your perversions elsewhere.

The Joy of Trains…

Fyse April 6th, 2006

Bing-bong. “Ladies and gentleman, we regret to inform you that due to a bridge strike near Baldock this service will be delayed. The train will stop at the next station and await clearance before proceeding.”

Passenger responses in the carriage are entirely predictable, and adhere furiously to national stereotype. The English appear locked in competition as to who can sigh with the greatest degree of fatalistic resignation. Eyes are rolled and watches examined with great ostentation. A French couple gesticulate in melodramatic fashion. Meanwhile an American in the carriage slams his fist on the table, exclaims ‘God damn!’, and looks ready to ’sue the pants off’ the next railway employee he can lay hands on.

Two minutes later, and good old fashioned British logic is in force as the train stands at Royston station, waiting to proceed. An increasing crowd of confused travellers cluster round resolutely closed doors. Frustrated, they seek help from a nearby fluorescent jacket. “Excuse me, but the doors wont open.”

“I’m afraid that train is the express from Cambridge to King’s Cross.”

“But we want to go to London, and it’s just standing there.”

“Sorry, but it doesn’t stop at this station.” The train eventually pulls away, leaving them variously dumb-struck and apoplectic.

Arriving at their destination the occupants of the carriage filter silently off the train, allowing themselves the occasional exchange of knowing looks, signifying ‘at last’. Adopting the distinctive gait of one who is in a hurry but would never be so indecorous as to run, they remain clumped together as they head toward the underground. The English affect long-suffering stoicism and the American barks into his phone, while the couple examine a guide book with a gallic shrug.

Bing-bong. “Passengers are advised that due to a security alert, all underground services are currently suffering severe delays.”

“GOD DAMN!!”