England 1, Paraguay 0
by The Floating Face
“Engaaaarrrrllllaaaaaannnnnd! We’re England till we die! Engaaaarleeeernd!”
Through the assembled crowd a small group of thoroughly inebriated football fans career wildly, beers held high and tattooed torsoes crisping in the midday sun. Riding aloft is their mascot for the day, an inflatable young lady with legs akimbo and arms flailing wildly. Her synthetic anatomy is ill-concealed by a football shirt, her mouth a fixed gape that we shall charitably assume is shouting in patriotic support.
“England all the waaaay!!”
The scene of their merry and mildly offensive conga-line is the grassy expanse of Parker’s Piece, temporary home to the BBC World Cup tour. At one end is a massive television screen that will show England’s opening match against Paraguay, and in their thousands the residents of Cambridge have gathered, as if in some ancient ritual of worship. Many arrived early with picnics, booking prime spots close to the front. Others shun food entirely and seem intent only to drink their body weight before the first ball is kicked.
Then there are those who strike a happy medium, and thus can Fyse be found, cold beer in one hand and a sandwich in the other. He and his friends make conversation full of insightful analysis and intelligent commentary on ideal tactics. Fyse explains at length the advantage of deploying a midfielder in a holding role, his lecture interrupted only briefly by the passing of the flailing inflatable, whose splayed legs catch him round the back of the head. He tuts in a disapproving manner, and returns to his pontification.
The carnival atmosphere builds as kick-off approaches, and everyone shares that brand of absurd over-optimism unique to football fans before a big tournament. How could we possibly lose? After all, we’ve clearly got the best team in the world. We’re bound to score at least three goals every game, if not four. “Crouchy’s a dead cert for the Golden Boot!”, a particularly deluded gentlemen is heard to shout. Two o’clock arrives, and the crowd shows glorious disregard for tune or rhythm as they join singing the national anthem. Then, after hours developing heat stroke in the baking sun, the match is finally underway.
The sublime spectacle that is football unfolds for the delectation of the viewing public. Children sit on father’s shoulders, waving their little flags and cheering their favourite player. A hairy student near the front produces what looks like a wooden hunting horn, the sound of which exhorts the crowd to yet greater hysteria. The now-shirtless pneumatic female bobs above the crowd to the rhythm of chants whose vulgarity is matched only by their inventiveness. Amid the uncouth chaos, Fyse is of course an island of intellectual calm as he appraises the subtle cut and thrust of the match, continuing to eat and drink in good measure. Suddenly, when the match is but a few minutes old, there is a scramble in the Paraguay area and somehow the ball ends up in the net. The crowd erupts, and Fyse sprays a mouthful of pork pie as he leaps to his feet.
“Yeeeaaaaahhhhh! Come on Englaaaand!!”
As I’m sure you know, we got our butts KICKED! Somehow, the USA was ranked 7th? Or was it 5th? Clearly a mistake. Very clearly after that 3-zip loss.
As for soccer itself, I watch a whole lot of the World Cup every four years, and I’m always left with one conclusion: the game would be much more interesting if the field was about half the size.
We like scoring here in the US. After all, in our football, one score gives you 6 points straight off!
Ugh. 6 points for a single score? How terribly uncouth. I’m afraid our brand of football is the one true faith. And yes, the USA’s ranking as 5th in the world is utterly absurd. I fear there will be a lot of rather disappointed people your side of the pond…
PS Suggesting a smaller pitch to make things more exciting is tantamount to sacrilege.
Okay, be honest. Yesterday’s Germany/Poland game. NO SCORING for 90 minutes, zip-zip until stoppage time. Come on! That was boring! A field half the size and it would have been much more interesting.
No, no, no! Were you watching the same game? It was hugely exciting! They hit the bar twice in the last minute before finally scoring. And where would a pitch half the size leave Michael Ballack’s sublime long passes? It’s like saying ‘Hey, let’s make an American football pitch 10 feet long so that the quarterback can just hand the ball to people’. It would just be wrong!
First of all, you’ve just proven my point for me. The exciting bit was the part with the scoring!
Secondly, there is a form of American football that has a field half the size of the standard. It’s called arena football, and it has a lot more….scoring!
That all being said, I must be wrong about wanting more scoring, because every other country is the world loves soccer, so I guess it must be fine the way it is…even if it is a bit boring for 89 of 90 minutes!
Tsk. I did not prove your point! It’s all about the drama of the build-up play and the anticipation. None of this instant gratification. If goals go in all the time they lose all novelty value.
Unfortunately, mass popularity isn’t a guarantee that something is good (just look at the music charts), but in this case 99% of the world are right. Football is AWESOME.
Not to keep this going ad nauseum, but I wanted to agree with you that too much scoring is just as boring as too little. That’s one of the reasons I’m not that big a fan of basketball either.
I will make a case for American football having just the right amount of scoring. An average game score (I’m guessing) is somewhere around 24-17, which translates to mean that one team scored 4 times and the other 3 times. That’s 7 scores in a 60 minute game. Just perfect. Not too easy. Not too hard.
Well, I guess the ideal scoring rate is matter of opinion. But at least our footy doesn’t have people prancing about in helmets and padding with a silly shaped ball. *abandoning even the pretence of reasoned argument*