In my pigeon hole today was an exam timetable. Nothing brings the screaming horror of summer term into sharp relief in quite the same way. If anyone’s looking to set a good day for Armageddon, might I suggest the morning of the first of June? If there’s going to be a war between good and evil, I’d appreciate it interrupting my exams. I’m pretty sure that, under the circumstances, they’d just give everyone a pass. The academic torture will last four days, and therefore be considerably worse than the rise of Beelzebub. Anyway, since he put so much effort into writing the exams, Satan may wish to see their effects first hand.

There’s certainly an air of biblical catastrophe about Cambridge exams, and I began to wonder whether this was entirely coincidental. I found these useful facts about Judgement Day on…

  • “Man must give account of himself on the day of judgement.”
    Sounds like an exam to me. I bet all the questions are on Quantum Mechanics. I never did get Quantum.
  • “All of us shall appear at the judgement.”
    Not sure about this one. People do occasionally over-sleep, clattering into the exam hall half way through. I’m certain you couldn’t get away with that if Jesus was head examiner.
  • “We’re to be judged by how we measure up to the word of God.”
    This is encouraging, since I’m pretty sure I know more Astrophysics than Jesus ever did. Perhaps he’ll get his dad to help him though, in which case I’m royally screwed.
  • “We need to get ready for the judgement day.”
    Even the Bible is suggesting I get my arse into gear. One things is for certain; St Peter will slam the pearly gates firmly in my face unless I start working very hard, very soon.

The critical dates are 1st-4th of June. I can’t hold out much hope for divine providence after this post, so if any of you have a hot-line to the almighty, feel free to put in a good word. My week of exams last year was the most unpleasant and stressful of my life, and I can’t face being as unprepared again. Things have to change, but in deference to Justin’s words of wisdom, I wont tell you about the new leaf I’m going to turn. Oops, I think I just did…